The One With The Worst Best Man Ever (422)
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Season 1 Where Monica Gets A New Roomate With The Sonogram At The End With The Thumb With George Stephanoloulos With The East German Laundry Detergent With The Butt With The Blackout Where Nana Dies Twice Where Underdog Gets Away With The Monkey With Mrs.Bing With The Dozen Lasagnes With The Boobies With The Candy Hearts With The Stoned Guy With Two Parts, Part 1 With Two Parts, Part 2 With All The Poker Where The Monkey Gets Away With The Evil Orthodontist With The Fake Monica With The Ick Factor With The Birth Where Rachel Finds Out Season 2 With Ross' New Girlfriend With The Breast Milk Where Heckles Dies With Phoebe's Husband With Five Steaks And An Eggplant With The Baby On The Bus Where Ross Finds Out With The List With Phoebe's Dad With Russ With The Lesbian Wedding After The Superbowl, Part 1 After The Superbowl, Part 2 With The Prom Video Where Ross And Rachel... You Know Where Joey Moves Out Where Eddie Moves In Where Dr.Remore Dies Where Eddie Won't Go Where Old Yeller Dies With The Two Bullies With The Two Parties With The Chickenpox With Barry And Mindy's Wedding Season 3 With The Princess Leia Fantasy Where No-One's Ready With The Jam With The Metaphorical Tunnel With Frank Jnr With The Flashback With The Race Car Bed With The Giant Poking Device With The Football Where Rachel Quits Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister With All The Jealousy Where Monica And Richard Are Friends With Phoebe's Ex-Partner Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break With The Morning After With The Ski Trip With The Hypnosis Tape With The Tiny T-Shirt With The Dollhouse With The Chick and the Duck With The Screamer With Ross's Thing With The Ultimate Fighting Champion At The Beach Season 4 With The Jellyfish With The Cat With The 'Cuffs With The Ballroom Dancing With Joey's New Girlfriend With The Dirty Girl Where Chandler Crosses The Line With Chandler In A Box Where They're Gonna Party! With The Girl From Poughkeepsie With Phoebe's Uterus With The Embryos With Rachel's Crush With Joey's Dirty Day With All The Rugby With The Fake Party With The Free Porn With Rachel's New Dress With All The Haste With All The Wedding Dresses With The Invitation With The Worst Best Man Ever With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II Season 5 After Ross Said Rachel With All The Kissing Hundredth Where Phoebe Hates PBS With All The Kips With The Yeti Where Ross Moves In With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks With Ross's Sandwich With The Inappropriate Sister With All The Resolutions With Chandler's Work Laugh With Joey's Bag Where Everyone Finds Out With The Girl Who Hits Joey With A Cop With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss Where Rachel Smokes Where Ross Can't Flirt With The Ride Along With The Ball With Joey's Big Break In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode) Season 6 After Vegas Where Ross Hugs Rachel With Ross's Denial Where Joey Loses His Insurance With Joey's Porsche With The Last Night Where Phoebe Runs With Ross's Teeth Where Ross Got High With The Routine With The Apothecary Table With The Joke With Rachels Sister Where Chandler Can't Cry That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2) With The Unagi Where Ross Dates A Student With Joey's Fridge With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad Where Paul's The Man With The Ring With The Proposal(Season Finale) With Monica\'s Thunder With Rachel's Book With Phoebe's Cookies With Rachel's Assistant With The Engagement Picture With The Nap Partners With Ross's Library Book Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs With All The Candy With The Holiday Armadilio With All The Cheesecakes Where They're Up All Night Where Rosita Dies Where They All Turn Thirty With Joey's New Brain With The Truth About London With The Cheap Wedding Dress With Joey's Award With Ross and Monica's Cousin With Rachel's Big Kiss With The Vows With Chandler's Dad Season 8 After 'I Do' With The Red Sweater Where Rachel Tells... With The Videotape With Rachel's Date With The Halloween Party |
PHOEBE: That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here! MONICA: That’s also like the tenth time you told us. PHOEBE: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant! ROSS: Pheebs, did...you want a cookie? PHOEBE: Thank you so much. RACHEL: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming? PHOEBE: I haven’t really had any yet. JOEY: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow? MONICA: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet. JOEY: Thanks. MONICA: Why do you need it? JOEY: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later! RACHEL: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us? JOEY: Nooo, later. PHOEBE: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!!! RACHEL: Hormones! MONICA: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited? JOEY: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party. MONICA: Sooo? JOEY: Are you bachelors? MONICA: Nooo! JOEY: Are you strippers? RACHEL: Nooo! JOEY: Then you’re not invited. RACHEL: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either. JOEY: Oh-whoa, what party? RACHEL: Well umm... MONICA: The baby shower for Phoebe! JOEY: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later! JOEY: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor. ROSS: Great. Great. JOEY: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite Gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud. MONICA: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! Can you believe they make these for little people? RACHEL: Little village people. MONICA: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite. RACHEL: Oh, that is so sweet! MONICA: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these! RACHEL: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them. MONICA: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies. RACHEL: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever! MONICA: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila. RACHEL: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted! MONICA: Oh, she’s gonna love that! CHANDLER: Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther! GUNTHER: What’s my last name? CHANDLER: Central Perk? THE STRIPPER: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets. JOEY: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white. THE STRIPPER: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party. JOEY: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday... THE STRIPPER: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night. JOEY: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around. THE STRIPPER: Yeah? JOEY: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck. PHOEBE: ... so what’s happening with you? RACHEL: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding. PHOEBE: Oh! RACHEL: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that... PHOEBE: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him. RACHEL: Well, h-how is this like that? PHOEBE: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know... ROSS: Hey guys! CHANDLER: Hey! JOEY: Hey... ROSS: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so... JOEY: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice! ROSS: Yeah, right! JOEY: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those... ROSS: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her. CHANDLER: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? ROSS: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life. CHANDLER: So you might say, it’s a magic ring. JOEY: Yeah, the stripper stole it. ROSS: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?! CHANDLER: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man." ROSS: All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops! JOEY: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in! ROSS: Not on you! On the stripper! JOEY: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders. ROSS: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her! JOEY: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they’d call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!" JOEY: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong. ROSS: Diverse. THE STRIPPER: Did anybody call for security? CHANDLER: You be cool. THE STRIPPER: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? RACHEL: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour. PHOEBE: Well, do you see any babies? MONICA: How do you feel? PHOEBE: Okay, I guess. I mean... I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon. RACHEL: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this. PHOEBE: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila. MONICA: Some moms do that. PHOEBE: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away. MONICA: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better. PHOEBE: Yeah, okay. RACHEL: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know? MONICA: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.
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transcribed by Eric Aasen
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