The One With The Worst Best Man Ever (422)

written by Michael Curtis, Seth Kurland



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
PHOEBE: That’s like the tenth time I’ve peed since I’ve been here!

MONICA: That’s also like the tenth time you told us.

PHOEBE: Yeah, oh I’m sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I tell ya, it’s a lot easier having three babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da Funk on your bladder! I’m so sick of being pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, ‘cause—Oh! I’m pregnant!

ROSS: Pheebs, did...you want a cookie?

PHOEBE: Thank you so much.

RACHEL: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming?

PHOEBE: I haven’t really had any yet.


JOEY: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow?

MONICA: Yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet.

JOEY: Thanks.

MONICA: Why do you need it?

JOEY: Oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. Later!

RACHEL: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?

JOEY: Nooo, later.

PHOEBE: Hey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!!!

RACHEL: Hormones!

MONICA: What Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited?

JOEY: Oh, it’s Ross’s bachelor party.

MONICA: Sooo?

JOEY: Are you bachelors?

MONICA: Nooo!

JOEY: Are you strippers?

RACHEL: Nooo!

JOEY: Then you’re not invited.


RACHEL: All right fine! You’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either.

JOEY: Oh-whoa, what party?

RACHEL: Well umm...

MONICA: The baby shower for Phoebe!

JOEY: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like something I don’t want to do! Later!


JOEY: This is what I’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.

ROSS: Great. Great.

JOEY: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, I’ve got you, me, and Chandler and I’m gonna invite Gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud.


MONICA: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! Can you believe they make these for little people?

RACHEL: Little village people.

MONICA: Okay, look at this one. This is my favourite.

RACHEL: Oh, that is so sweet!

MONICA: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!

RACHEL: Huh. Except, Phoebe’s not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.

MONICA: Because she’s not gonna get to keep the babies.

RACHEL: Oh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!

MONICA: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she’s done being pregnant. Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila.

RACHEL: Oh, and somebody can get those leather pants she’s always wanted!

MONICA: Oh, she’s gonna love that!


CHANDLER: Okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. I’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!

GUNTHER: What’s my last name?

CHANDLER: Central Perk?


THE STRIPPER: Wow, I didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.

JOEY: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white.

THE STRIPPER: You are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.

JOEY: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin’ ya. And listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a Tuesday...

THE STRIPPER: Yeah, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.

JOEY: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.

THE STRIPPER: Yeah?

JOEY: Yeah. I’ll let you play with my duck.


PHOEBE: ... so what’s happening with you?

RACHEL: Oh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross’s wedding.

PHOEBE: Oh!

RACHEL: It just might be too hard, given the history and all that...

PHOEBE: Wow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.

RACHEL: Well, h-how is this like that?

PHOEBE: Well, let’s see, it’s not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like y’know a bunch of y’know high school crap that nobody really gives y’know...


ROSS: Hey guys!

CHANDLER: Hey!

JOEY: Hey...

ROSS: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so...


JOEY: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that’s nice!

ROSS: Yeah, right!

JOEY: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, I might want to get one of those...

ROSS: That ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.

CHANDLER: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable?

ROSS: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life.

CHANDLER: So you might say, it’s a magic ring.

JOEY: Yeah, the stripper stole it.

ROSS: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?! How could this all happen?!

CHANDLER: Well, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don’t you be my best man."

ROSS: All right-all right, fine! I-I’m gonna call the cops!

JOEY: Dude, I screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in!

ROSS: Not on you! On the stripper!

JOEY: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders.

ROSS: Okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her!

JOEY: I did that too! They wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they’d call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I’m missing a ring!"


JOEY: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and then you buzz Ross and I. You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I’ll be uh, Mr. Wong.

ROSS: Diverse.


THE STRIPPER: Did anybody call for security?

CHANDLER: You be cool.

THE STRIPPER: Okay, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk?


RACHEL: I still don’t get how you know when it’s false labour.

PHOEBE: Well, do you see any babies?


MONICA: How do you feel?

PHOEBE: Okay, I guess. I mean... I don’t know, it’s just, I guess I know it’s going to be over soon.

RACHEL: Well, isn’t that a good thing? You said you were sick of this.

PHOEBE: I know. It’s just y’know usually when you’re, when you’re done with the pregnant thing, y’know, then you get to do the mom thing. I’m gonna be y’know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking Tequila.

MONICA: Some moms do that.

PHOEBE: Okay that’s even sadder. Look, I know, I know what I got myself into, it’s just that now that they’re in me it’s like, it’s like I know them y’know, I mean-I mean, it’s just not gonna be easy when these little babies have to go away.

MONICA: Aww, sweetie, but it’s not like you’re not gonna have anything. You’re gonna have nieces and nephews, and some ways that’s even better.

PHOEBE: Yeah, okay.

RACHEL: No, really. Really, Pheebs, you’re not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they’re bad, y’know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won’t calm down. Y’know?

MONICA: I mean, you’re the one they’re gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.




transcribed by Eric Aasen

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