The One With Phoebe's Husband (204)

written by Alexa Junge

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party

RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you?

STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?

RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.

STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by.

JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.

MONICA: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.

MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?

ROSS: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.

MONICA: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.

MONICA: What have I not told you?

PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.


MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? You are dead meat.

CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret.

MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.

PHOEBE: You have a third nipple?

CHANDLER: You bitch.

ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.

CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.

RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.

ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.

CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.

ALL: Huuh.

CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.

ROSS: You were in a porno?

JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

MONICA: That is wild.

ROSS: So what's it shaped like?

PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

JOEY: What happens if you flick it?

ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?

CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.

CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?

RACHEL: I think it's sexy.

ROSS: Sexy?

RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex.

ROSS: No kidding?

RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'd wait.

ROSS: You'd wait?

RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait... then I'd wait some more.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working.

ROSS: Women really want this?

RACHEL: More than jewelry.

ROSS: I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.

RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?

ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.

RACHEL: What did, what did he say?

ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so...

CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.

ROSS: Pop it in.

JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people.

RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.

ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex?

RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.

MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey.

transcribed by Josh Hodge