The One With The Jam (303)

written by Wil Calhoun



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
MONICA: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.

ROSS: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?

MONICA: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale.

RACHEL: I didn't know there were docks.


RACHEL: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?

JOEY: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.

JOEY: What is this? Fruit?

RACHEL: Monica's making jam.

JOEY: Whoa, jam! I love jam! Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?

CHANDLER: Because the kids need new shoes.


PHOEBE: Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.

GUY: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....

PHOEBE: What?

GUY: One more chance Ursula, please?

PHOEBE: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.

GUY: Wh...

PHOEBE: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.

GUY: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!

PHOEBE: Oh, you're not a dingus.

GUY: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.

PHOEBE: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay.

GUY: Well thanks.

PHOEBE: Wait, you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?

GUY: Not really.


CHANDLER: Do I look fat?

ROSS and RACHEL: Noo.

CHANDLER: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.


RACHEL: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.

CHANDLER: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her...

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?

RACHEL: Nooo!

ROSS: And it works both ways.

CHANDLER: Okay, so you both just know this stuff?

RACHEL: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.


ROSS: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?

CHANDLER: That's easy, baggage claim.

ROSS: Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.


CHANDLER: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.

RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers.


ROSS: Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.

CHANDLER: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.

ROSS: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed...

CHANDLER: Yeah.

ROSS: I'm gonna use the cushion.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

ROSS: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.

CHANDLER: Okay, the old hug and roll.

ROSS: Yep.

CHANDLER: Okay, one question.

ROSS: Shoot.

CHANDLER: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right?


MONICA: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.

JOEY: No more jam?!

RACHEL: Well, what happened to your jam plan?

MONICA: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.

CHANDLER: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.


ROSS: What are you talking about?

MONICA: I'm talking about me having a baby.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: Are you serious?

MONICA: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.

ROSS: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

MONICA: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid.

CHANDLER: That, that's what's stupid.

MONICA: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.

RACHEL: Down at the docks again?


MALCOM: Here's my binoculars.

PHOEBE: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.

MALCOM: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun.

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. What's this?

MALCOM: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it?

PHOEBE: Um, not even a little bit.


CHANDLER: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.

MONICA: Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.

CHANDLER: You mean there's more than one of us.


MONICA: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only...boy. Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!'

JOEY: Yeah, the Knicks rule!

MONICA: Joey, this is you!

JOEY: Let me see. Oh, right.

RACHEL: When did you go to a sperm bank?

JOEY: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?

CHANDLER: And that's how you bought it?

JOEY: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left.

MONICA: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here.

JOEY: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.


RACHEL: Oh my God, what happened?

JANICE: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me... off... the... bed!

RACHEL: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.

JANICE: Oh, I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.

RACHEL: Ross's what?

JANICE: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my... God.


JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

JOEY: Where you going?

MONICA: To the bank.

JOEY: Sperm or regular?

MONICA: Sperm.

JOEY: So you're really doing this, huh?

MONICA: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.

JOEY: Sounds nice.

MONICA: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...

JOEY: No kiddin', hmm.

MONICA: What?

JOEY: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.

MONICA: Really? Why?

JOEY: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like... Hoyt.

MONICA: Hoyt?

JOEY: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool.

MONICA: Really, is he a swimmer?

JOEY: He's got the body for it.

MONICA: I like that. What?

JOEY: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know.

MONICA: We do not have one of those signs.

JOEY: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids.

MONICA: Two girls and a boy?

JOEY: Yeah!

MONICA: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.

JOEY: Sure! But hey, you know this way sounds good too.

MONICA: Yeah.

JOEY: Oh Monica. Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, for like a day.


ROSS: Hey. Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?

CHANDLER: Sure. What's up?

ROSS: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something you're already familiar with, uh, women talk!




transcribed by Eric B Aasen

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