The One With The Breast Milk (202)

written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
ROSS: What are you guys doing?

CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?


ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.

JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.

ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok?


CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

CAROL: Sure.

JOEY: Uh, does it hurt?

CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore.

JOEY: Chandler?

CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it?

CAROL: As much as he needs.

JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?


JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel?

MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?

CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

MONICA: But I'm-

PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.


MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.

PHOEBE: What?

MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch.

PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have?

MONICA: You had a salad.

PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.


RACHEL: Hey, guys, what's up.

PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.

RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?

PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.

RACHEL: You went shopping for fur?

PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs.

RACHEL: You bought boobs?

PHOEBE: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.


PHOEBE: Ben, dinner!

ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.

PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok.

CHANDLER: What did you just do?

PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what?

ROSS: It's breast milk.

PHOEBE: So?

RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.

JOEY: What is the big deal?

CHANDLER: What did you just do?

ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?

PHOEBE: You won't even taste it?

ROSS: No!

PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?

ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.


RACHEL: Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?

MONICA: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.

RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket

MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.

RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?

MONICA: Judy.

RACHEL: Who?

MONICA: Julie.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Jody.


RACHEL: You were with Julie?

MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.

RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god.

MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.

RACHEL: Yeah, right.

MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out.


CAROL: How did we do?

PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.

ROSS: I did not freak out.

CAROL: Why'd you freak out?

ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.

CAROL: My breast milk is gross?

SUSAN: This should be fun.

ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults.

CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.


CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it.

ROSS: That would be no.

PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.

JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh-

SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice.

JOEY: Exactly.

ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it.

SUSAN: Uh huh.

ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it.

SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.

ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel.


JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.

CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.

JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.

CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?

JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right.

CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.


MONICA: I don't know what else to say.

RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.

MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do.

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?


MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?

RACHEL: Yes.

MONICA: It's that terrible?

RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you.

MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.

RACHEL: I love you too.

PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that.


RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?

JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.

RACHEL: Really? Me?

JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.

RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid.

JULIE: Oy.

RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.

JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?

RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.

JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later.

RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative bitch.




transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips

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