The One With The Baby On The Bus (206)

written by Betsy Borns

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JOEY: Are you ok, Ross?

ROSS: I don't know. What's in this pie?

MONICA: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi--

ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie.

MONICA: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.

ROSS: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.

MONICA: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and--oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh.

MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up?

ROSS: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.

PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.


PHOEBE: I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a minute?

RACHEL: What's up?

TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be very good.

RACHEL: But what about Phoebe?

TERRY: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.


RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?

PHOEBE: Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.

JOEY: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.



CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie?

CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?

JOEY: You wanna smell him?

CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.

CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a beat.

CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing this.

CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.

CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?

PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig. This is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.

RACHEL: All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.

TERRY: I, I don't know.

RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.

TERRY: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?

RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.


PHOEBE: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?

PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How much am I gonna get?


PHOEBE: Well you said that he's paying the people who are playing.

RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman beause she's a professional.

PHOEBE: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.

RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs.

PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, charity band. You know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play.

MONICA: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?


MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!

GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop.

JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too.

GIRL 2: You guys live around here too?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.

PHOEBE: So um, are you the professional guitar player?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.

PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there, but now it just says "carrot cake" So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?

STEPHANIE: All of them.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D?


PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor?


PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?


PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?


PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. Stephanie knows all the chords...

CHANDLER: Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid character.

JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again.

CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.

JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.


JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.


JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.

CHANDLER: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?

JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?

JOEY: You got a better idea?

CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.

JOEY: Heads.

CHANDLER: Heads it is.

JOEY: Yes! Whew!

CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something.

JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.

CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.

PHOEBE: Eight dollars and twenty-seven cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.

RACHEL: Do you?

PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, whoosh!

PHOEBE: It's not even that. I used to do my songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, it's just all about the money.

RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat".

PHOEBE: Really? From who?

RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it's not your big money song, but it's my favorite.

ROSS: I just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I, I almost broke your hand.

MONICA: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.

ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?

MONICA: Remember it? What do you think this is, a freckle?


MONICA: Wait, what about the time I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?

ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?

MONICA: No. But I remember people telling me about it.

ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister.

MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how 'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

MONICA: That was you?

ROSS: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.

transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips