The One With The Giant Poking Device (308)

written by Adam Chase



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
RACHEL: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?

CHANDLER: I will have one. Okay, I'm not gonna have one.

ROSS: Neither will I.

PHOEBE: No, no, it's just my tooth.

CHANDLER: All right I'll have one.

ROSS: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one.

PHOEBE: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't see him.

CHANDLER: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.

ROSS: Why? Why can't you go to him?

PHOEBE: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.

CHANDLER: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse.


RACHEL: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'.

RACHEL: And all these people actually died?

PHOEBE: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!

ROSS: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence.

PHOEBE: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, their dead.


JOEY: Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?

ROSS: No, no he's not.

MONICA: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.

ROSS: What? So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler?

JOEY: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.

RACHEL: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.

JOEY: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him.

PHOEBE: Well, you could wait 'til I go to the dentist, maybe I'll kill him.


ROSS: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.

JOEY: What did they do?

ROSS: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that.

MONICA: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?

ROSS: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank you.

RACHEL: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?

ROSS: You? You! Want to watch Ben? Yes! That'd be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is.


JOEY: Hey-hey, Ross?

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: I've got a science question.

ROSS: Hmm?

JOEY: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-sapien', is that why there extinct?

ROSS: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.

JOEY: Hey-hey, I'm not judging.


RACHEL: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put him down. Come here, Ben. See that's a good boy. How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!

MONICA: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him.

RACHEL: We're not?!

MONICA: No we're not.

RACHEL: All right, I like that.

MONICA: Okay.

RACHEL: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, there's a bump, there's a bump.

MONICA: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!

RACHEL: I cannot push it in!


CHANDLER: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?

JOEY: I'd really prefer a mountain bike.

CHANDLER: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.

JOEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.

CHANDLER: That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her something serious.

JOEY: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious.

CHANDLER: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything ever.


PHOEBE: No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive!

RACHEL: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I?

PHOEBE: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know.

MONICA: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.

PHOEBE: 'Hey! You're not dead! Okay, see ya!'


JANICE: How's my Bing-a-ling?

CHANDLER: Ah, I don't know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.

JANICE: Why are your eyes so white?

CHANDLER: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!

JANICE: Oh my God!!

CHANDLER: All right!

JANICE: How did you know?

CHANDLER: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.

JANICE: In the park?

CHANDLER: No! In his office! How many kisses were there?


PHOEBE: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive.

JOEY: Uh.

PHOEBE: What?

JOEY: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still.


PHOEBE: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.

RACHEL: Well maybe he's just taking a nap.

JOEY: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this morning.

MONICA: All right, we should call somebody.

ROSS: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving.

RACHEL: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive.

MONICA: How are we gonna do that? There's no way.

JOEY: Well, there is one way. His window's open, I say, we poke him.


JOEY: Hey uh, what's a matter?

CHANDLER: I talked to Janice.

JOEY: Oh my God, is she going back to him?

CHANDLER: She doesn't know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the reciept!


JOEY: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?

CHANDLER: I don't know, y'know. What, what, would you do?

JOEY: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do.

CHANDLER: Come on, tell me.

JOEY: All right, you're probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, I would ah, I would bow out.

CHANDLER: What? What are you, what are you talking about?

JOEY: They have a kid together, y'know. They're like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know, there's chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?


ROSS: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head?

RACHEL: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.

ROSS: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could.

RACHEL: I did!

ROSS: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them all the time.

RACHEL: I did!!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!


ROSS: Monica?

MONICA: Yeah.

ROSS: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?

MONICA: No. Why?

ROSS: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't know, fell out of his head.

MONICA: Really?!

ROSS: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he's in there just sort of y'know...

MONICA: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!!!

RACHEL: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell.


CHANDLER: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy.

JANICE: Okay.

CHANDLER: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are the reason why their not together.' and I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.


JANICE: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I can say 'good-bye', there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate, and I can't believe we're not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.

CHANDLER: Then don't leave me!

JANICE: What?

CHANDLER: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!

JANICE: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I've got to give my marriage another chance.

CHANDLER: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.

JANICE: I'm sorry.

CHANDLER: Ohhh. Don't go.

JANICE: No, I-I-I gotta go.

CHANDLER: No. No! No! No!

JANICE: Honey, honey, people are looking.

CHANDLER: I don't care! I don't care!!

JANICE: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now.

CHANDLER: You can't leave! I have your shoe!

JANICE: Good-bye Chandler Bing.

GUNTHER: Rachel has those in burgundy.


JOEY: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manouver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.

ROSS: Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs in the balance!

PHOEBE: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.


JOEY: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we're approaching the window Thread the needle. Thread the needle.

PHOEBE: He's alive! He's a-live!!!

MONICA: And yet, we're still poking him.

JOEY: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.

ROSS: He does not look happy.

RACHEL: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device.

JOEY: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!




transcribed by Eric B Aasen

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