The One With The Football (309)

written by Ira Ungerleider

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JOEY: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going?

RACHEL: Oh! That would be sooo much fun!

PHOEBE: Oh, can I play too? I've never played football, like ever.

JOEY: Great, you can cover Chandler.

CHANDLER: No, no, no, I don't, I don't really wanna play.

JOEY: Come on man! You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.

CHANDLER: That's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!

MONICA: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first. Joey.

JOEY: Thank you.

RACHEL: Monica, I'm your best friend.

ROSS: Sweetie, don't worry you'll get picked. Chandler.


MONICA: Phoebe.

ROSS: Sweetie, now I pick you.

RACHEL: You don't pick me! You're stuck with me!

MONICA: Okay, Phoebe you know what you're doing right?


MONICA: Okay, Joey's gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block.

PHOEBE: What's block?

MONICA: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what you're doing?

PHOEBE: I thought you meant in life.

RACHEL: I almost caught that one!

CHANDLER: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7.

JOEY: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball.

WOMAN: You are playing American football?

JOEY: Yeah! Wow, you're like from a whole other country.

WOMAN: I'm Dutch.

JOEY: Hi-hi, I'm Joey.

WOMAN: I'm Margha.

JOEY: I'm sorry Dutch, I didn't get that last little bit.

CHANDLER: Hey Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna... Hi, I'm Chandler.

MARGHA: Hello, Chandler.

JOEY: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan.

MARGHA: Margha.

JOEY: Mar-klan.

MARGHA: Mar-gha.

CHANDLER: Mar-haaaan.

CHANDLER: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.

JOEY: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know.

CHANDLER: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about.

JOEY: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I'll let you have her.

CHANDLER: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What do mean? Like if you didn't I wouldn't have a shot?

JOEY: Well I don't like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don't feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You're better with numbers and stuff.

CHANDLER: Math!!! You're giving me math!

PHOEBE: Touchdown!!! Touchdown!!!

ROSS: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't count.

MONICA: After the snap!

ROSS: Before the snap!

JOEY: After!!!

CHANDLER: Before!!!

RACHEL: Now, does it really matter?

ALL: Yes!!!

MONICA: Listen, I'm not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can't blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were getting mono. Let's just call this, tie score and it's halftime.

ROSS: Okay, first of all, I don't play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!!

MONICA: Y'know what? I'll think you'll play.

ROSS: Oh really! Why is that?

MONICA: Because the winner gets this!

ROSS: The Geller Cup.

CHANDLER: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?

ALL: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Okay, good.

CHANDLER: ... hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?

JOEY: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.

CHANDLER: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?

JOEY: Nice try. See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.

ROSS: Okay, y'know what, let's just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like?

CHANDLER AND JOEY: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

MARGHA: Which do I like?

ROSS: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill...

MARGHA: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler.


JOEY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn't understand the question.

CHANDLER: Well, why don't you have Captain Hook explain it to her.

MARGHA: I'm sorry, Joey, that is my chose.

CHANDLER: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I'll let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!!!

MARGHA: I'm now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one.

CHANDLER: Wh-what?

MARGHA: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye.

JOEY: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.

MONICA: We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you're making out...

PHOEBE: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?!

MONICA: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let's kill 'um!

RACHEL: Yeah!!! Kill 'um!!!

PHOEBE: All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys?

MONICA: All right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we're down by two points. Two points... Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long.

RACHEL: No! Come on! Don't make me go long. Use me. They never cover me.

MONICA: Honey, there's a reason.

JOEY: Thirty seconds left on the timer!

CHANDLER: Okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!

CHANDLER: Guys! Guys! Come on! It's Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!!

RACHEL: We should defiantly play football more often. Maybe there's a like league we could join or something.

PHOEBE: Isn't there a national football league.

CHANDLER: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.

RACHEL: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.

transcribed by Eric B Aasen