The One With The Free Porn (417)

written by Mark J. Kunerth, Richard Goodman

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party

JOEY: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must've hit something on the remote.

CHANDLER: Do we pay for this?

JOEY: No, we didn't even pay our cable bill maybe this is how they punish us.

CHANDLER: Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill free phone sex.

JOEY: Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill?

MR. TREEGER: Whoa, hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.


JOEY: just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!

MR. TREEGER: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.

CHANDLER: Like finding money with naked people on it!

MR. TREEGER: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I'm sad.

JOEY: Why would he turn off the TV?

MONICA: You've got to see her again.

ROSS: And why do you care so much?

MONICA: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!

ROSS: You had fantasies about Emily?

MONICA: No! Y'know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.

ROSS: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?

MONICA: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!

THE DOCTOR: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?

PHOEBE: Why don't take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I'll hold onto your card, okay?

THE DOCTOR: No, I'm getting three separate heartbeats.

PHOEBE: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one!

THE DOCTOR: Doctors are wrong all the time.

PHOEBE: Well, yeah.

RACHEL: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!

THE DOCTOR: Definitely.

PHOEBE: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I'm going to have three full grown babies just walkin' around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it's gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!

THE DOCTOR: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn't that different from giving birth to one.

PHOEBE: What do you know?!

ALICE: Hi! So, how did it go at the doctors?

PHOEBE: Oh well, okay, hey, y'know how when you're umm, you're walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that's nice?"


PHOEBE: Okay, yeah well, good news, you're going to have three babies.

ALICE: Three babies?

FRANK: I finally got my band!

PHOEBE: Oh God, I'm so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked.

FRANK: Why would we be freaked?

PHOEBE: No, no maybe 'cause it's harder to raise them, and the added expense, and....


ALICE: Right.

PHOEBE: No, back to happy. Back to happy!

ALICE: No-no-no, no, it's going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y'know it'll-it'll be like my very own little sweatshop.

FRANK: Yeah, I've been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.

ALICE: No, Frank.

PHOEBE: No you can't quit college! No! You're in college? Really?

FRANK: Yeah, refrigerator college.

ALICE: Yeah.

FRANK: Yeah, y'know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y'know I figured y'know like I should y'know have like a career and I love refrigerators!

RACHEL: What's that song? It has been in my head all day long.

CHANDLER: It's the theme from Good Will Humping.

RACHEL: Y'know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.

JOEY: Yeah right.

RACHEL: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.

CHANDLER: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?


JOEY: Yeah, he likes porn.

MONICA: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?

ROSS: I did.

MONICA: And well, what did she say?

ROSS: Thank you.

MONICA: Oh, you're totally welcome! What'd she say?

ROSS: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."

CHANDLER: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?

JOEY: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!

ROSS: What do I do now?

JOEY: You play hard to get.

ROSS: She already lives in London.

JOEY: Then you go to Tokyo.

RACHEL: Well, what-what 'cha got there?

PHOEBE: Oh this, well I'm glad you asked. Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? Ahh! Now, I know what you're thinking...

CHANDLER: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?

MONICA: Phoebe, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they?


MONICA: Are you sure?


RACHEL: Honey, you're not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.

PHOEBE: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.

CHANDLER: What's the second part of your plan?

PHOEBE: My Saturn dealership.

PHOEBE: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I'm gonna open up my own massage place and Frank's gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn't have to quit school!

MONICA: That's sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?

RACHEL: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised...

PHOEBE: I'm telling it! I'm telling it!


PHOEBE: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I've got?

CHANDLER: A place where no one will ever get out alive?

PHOEBE: No! Think about it, it's a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it's...

RACHEL: Relaxi-Taxi!

PHOEBE: The name was my favourite part!

RACHEL: Well, well I came up with it!

PHOEBE: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That's not good.

PHOEBE: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that's better than Relaxi Cab.

RACHEL: Okay, it's not Relaxi Cab. It's Relaxicab, like taxicab.

PHOEBE: Oh, that is better.

CHANDLER: Are we in London?

EMILY: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don't know if you can hear this but, I'm gonna talk anyway, uh, I'm in the States with your sister and your friends and it's all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you. Yes,

JOEY: you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you.

ROSS: I love you too! I'm, I'm gonna call you right now from the phone booth! You can't hear me.

EMILY: I wish I could know if you'd heard any of that. I suppose I've either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you're listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there's not much chance you did heard that, and there's the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. Hello.


EMILY: Ross, I love you!

ROSS: Ohh! Thank you.


JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault.

JOEY: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!

CHANDLER: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"

JOEY: Noo! Nothing!

CHANDLER: Y'know what, we have to turn off the porn.

JOEY: I think you're right.

CHANDLER: All right, ready?

JOEY: One.


BOTH: Three.

JOEY: That's kinda nice.

CHANDLER: Yeah, that's kinda a relief.

JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: You wanna see if we still have it?

JOEY: Yeah.


JOEY: Yeah!!

CHANDLER: We have free porn here!!!

transcribed by Eric Aasen