The One With Ross' New Girlfriend (201)

written by Jeff Astroff and Mike Sikowitz

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
PHOEBE: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?

MONICA: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross.

PHOEBE: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?

MONICA: Guys, you got your hair cut.

CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.

PHOEBE: 'Cause, you know, if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.

MONICA: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?

JULIE: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.

ROSS: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.

RACHEL: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

MONICA: It's just an expression.

CHANDLER: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.

ROSS: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?


ROSS: It was you, pal.

CHANDLER: Well, maybe it was God, doing me.

ROSS: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.

CHANDLER: Well, you owe me one, big guy.

CHANDLER: He said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever.

ROSS: How is that the silver lining?

CHANDLER: You have to really wanna see it.

MONICA: Phoebes, you know what I'm thinking?

PHOEBE: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?

MONICA: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.

PHOEBE: All right, so what were you thinking?

MONICA: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?


MONICA: Why not?

PHOEBE: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.

MONICA: No you're not.

PHOEBE: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.

CHANDLER: Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?

JOEY: Needs some clothes altered?

CHANDLER: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.

JOEY: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990?

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.

RACHEL: Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?

JOEY: No no no no no, I'm not fallin' for that again.

PHOEBE: What's goin' on?

RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.

CHANDLER: What stupid thing did you do?

PAOLO: Bon giorno tutti!

MONICA: Rachel, how did this happen?

RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.

PHOEBE: Where?

RACHEL: At his apartment. Is this juice?

JOEY: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?

RACHEL: I know, I know I'm a pathetic loser.

MONICA: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.

CHANDLER: People do stupid things when they're upset.

MONICA: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't -- but this is about your horrible mistake.

ROSS: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?

PAOLO: I do Raquel.

ROSS: So, uh, he's back.

RACHEL: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?

ROSS: No, not a problem.

RACHEL: I'm glad it's not a problem.

PHOEBE: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.

JOEY: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey says hello. He'll know what it means.

CHANDLER: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?

PHOEBE: All right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.

MONICA: I promise.

PHOEBE: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.

PHOEBE: All right, that's it, I quit.

MONICA: What? I didn't say anything.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.

PHOEBE: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.

MONICA: How who wears it?

PHOEBE: Demi Moore.

MONICA: Demi Moore is not a he.

PHOEBE: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.

MONICA: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh my god!

MONICA: Oh my god!

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?

MONICA: She's the actress who was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost.

PHOEBE: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.


RACHEL: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.

JOEY: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.

RACHEL: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?

JOEY: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.

RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know.

JOEY: Look, Rache, Rache, I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.

CHANDLER: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man.

JOEY: Frankie? What're you talking about?

ROSS: Hey, what's goin' on?

CHANDLER: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.

ROSS: What?

JOEY: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.

CHANDLER: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite-

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: Cupping.

JOEY: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?

JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god.

MONICA: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.

ROSS: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten.

MONICA: Thank you. My hair is very amused.

CHANDLER: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.

ROSS: What's goin' on?

RACHEL: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, what?

ROSS: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?


ROSS: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all?

RACHEL: No, I think that was the whole all.

JULIE: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andy McDowell's new haircut?

PHOEBE: You wanna do it right now?

JULIE: Great!

PHOEBE: Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?

RACHEL: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.

RACHEL: You're welcome.

transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips