The One With All The Jealousy (312)

written by Doty Abrams

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
CHANDLER: All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?

ROSS: Why?

CHANDLER: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist.

ROSS: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks.

CHANDLER: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?

ROSS: Hmm? Oh, yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, so can you make it on Friday?

ROSS: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again?

CHANDLER: Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.

PHOEBE: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. Why don't you get a magician?!

CHANDLER: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then all right.

ROSS: She's having lunch with him. She's having lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, he's really good looking. What am I gonna do?

CHANDLER: Don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! Don't cry outloud.

JOEY: Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?

CHANDLER: I want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.

JOEY: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco.

ROSS: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.

JOEY: Who?

CHANDLER: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.

JOEY: The what?

CHANDLER: The abridgment.

JOEY: Oh, okay. The what?

MARK: ...and the style number, and the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far?

RACHEL: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?

MARK: Twenty percent.

RACHEL: Oh!! I love this job!

RACHEL: Hi honey!

ROSS: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing answering your phone?

RACHEL: Oh, he's just goofing around.

ROSS: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office?

RACHEL: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants.

ROSS: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she?

RACHEL: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. Mark, I need you!

DIRECTOR: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.

JOEY: Excellent, I'll be there.

DIRECTOR: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.

JOEY: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part.

DIRECTOR: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.

CHANDLER: ....three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!

JOEY: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either.

PHOEBE: Well, can you dance at all?

JOEY: Yeah, I can dance, y'know.

CHANDLER: Oh no, no, no, no.

PHOEBE: What, what is that?

JOEY: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing.

CHANDLER: All right, I have to get that, but no-no. Hello? Hi! Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?

CHANDLER: Okay, we have our stripper. A Miss Crystal Chandelier.

JOEY: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?

MAN: Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?


MAN: One, two, three...

QUARTET: Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before you're the boss.

THE BASS BARBER: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.

QUARTET: And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend...

THE BASS BARBER: It's nice to have a boyfriend.

QUARTET: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross!

ROSS: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!

RACHEL: All right Ross!! I get it!!

ROSS: I mean my God...

RACHEL: You're hurt!

ROSS: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!!!

RACHEL: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might have well have just come in and peed all around my desk!

ROSS: I would never do that!

RACHEL: Look, I know what's going on here, okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.

ROSS: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot.

JOEY: Mark's a genius!

ROSS: Why?! How?! How is he a genius?

CHANDLER: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you.

ROSS: What am I going to do?

CHANDLER: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right look, you're going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits.

ROSS: I don't know you guys.

CHANDLER: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'

JOEY: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Harddd,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!'

CHANDLER: He paints quite a picture doesn't he?

DIRECTOR: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.

JOEY: So, does that mean the audition is off?

DIRECTOR: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.

JOEY: What?!

DIRECTOR: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, up, out a beret, out a beret, big turn here, grand dechant, desont, desont, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!

JOEY: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands.

DIRECTOR: Have fun.

JOEY: Bye.

DIRECTOR: All right, let's do it!

DIRECTOR: No, no, no. What was that?

JOEY: I know, it was the best I could get out of them.

DIRECTOR: Well, people!

JOEY: People, people, people.

DIRECTOR: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. Show 'em how it's done.

ROSS: I'm sorry, I was an idiot.

RACHEL: A big idiot.

ROSS: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me.

RACHEL: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been together for almost a year now?

ROSS: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else is not going to take you away.

GUNTHER: Let it be me! Let it be me!

RACHEL: Where ya going?

ROSS: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon.

RACHEL: Ohh, with who?

ROSS: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party.

RACHEL: There was a woman at the... The stripper?!

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: You have a play date with a stripper?!

CHANDLER: Man, I gotta get a kid.

ROSS: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay?

RACHEL: Sure, is she married?

ROSS: Ahh, no.


ROSS: Are you jealous?

RACHEL: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have any y'know other stripper moms friends of her own?

MAN: Is there a Julio here?

JULIO: I am Julio.

MAN: Mister Pretentious, you think there's no one finer, well but your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner.

QUARTET: You're no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch.

BASS SINGER: No one likes a buttmunch.

QUARTET: And you're also bad in bedd-edd-edd!.

transcribed by Eric B Aasen