The One With The List (208)

written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
RACHEL: Ross kissed me.

MONICA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

RACHEL: It was unbelievable!

MONICA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

PHOEBE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

PHOEBE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

RACHEL: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

PHOEBE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?

RACHEL: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.


ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.

JOEY: Tongue?

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Cool.

CHANDLER: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.

PHOEBE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

CHANDLER: Games and stuff.

MONICA: There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.

JOEY: Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?

MONICA: There's an ad for a naked chef?

JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then...

PHOEBE: Hey, oh, so,'d you make out last night?

ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful

MONICA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.

ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?

JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?

PHOEBE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night". There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!

MONICA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.

MR. RASTATTER: Mockolate.

MONICA: I'm sorry?

MR. RASTATTER: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.

MR. RASTATTER: Aren't you going to swallow that?

MONICA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.

ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.

CHANDLER: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross.

CHANDLER: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.

JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.

CHANDLER: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.

ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?

CHANDLER: No, Amish boy.

JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.

ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.

JOEY: You could say that.

ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.

CHANDLER: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?

ROSS: I don't know.

JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.

CHANDLER: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?

ROSS: She's not Rachel.

MONICA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.

RACHEL: Oh my god.

MONICA: Oh my god good?

RACHEL: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh sweet lord! This is what evil must taste like!

RACHEL: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. What is this? Ross, what is this?

CHANDLER: Good luck.

ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?

RACHEL: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?

ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.

RACHEL: Just a waitress?

ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rache?

RACHEL: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!

ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.

RACHEL: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.

CHANDLER: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.

MONICA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.

PHOEBE: I, I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.

JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.


CHANDLER: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.

MONICA: This was your idea?

PHOEBE: What were you thinking?

CHANDLER: All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.

MONICA: Yeah. You!

CHANDLER: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?

PHOEBE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

RACHEL: No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.

RACHEL: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. I said don't go!

ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.

RACHEL: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.

MONICA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.

MR. RASTATTER: Doesn't matter.


MR. RASTATTER: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.

MONICA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

MR. RASTATTER: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?

MONICA: Well, uh, I ate some.

MR. RASTATTER: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

MONICA: Hello?


RACHEL: Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.

MONICA: Listen, I, I don't think this is the best time.

ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?

MONICA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. Music?

RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You) Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.

MR. RASTATTER: Hi, thanks for coming in again.

MONICA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.

MR. RASTATTER: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?

MONICA: Cat hair.

MR. RASTATTER: Oh, sorry.

transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips