The One With The 'Cuffs (403)

written by Seth Kirkland

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
Joey: Hey!!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there.

CHANDLER: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty crap for free?!

JOEY: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And, some of it is not even popped!

MRS. GELLER: What's this? Blue nail polish?

MONICA: Yeah, I thought it was cute.

MRS. GELLER: Ahh, that's what your Grandmother's hands looked like when we found her.

THE SALESMAN: Good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house?

JOEY: Uhhhh.

THE SALESMAN: Do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?

JOEY: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there.

THE SALESMAN: Actually, I'm not buying. I'm selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you're not really sure what they're talking about?

MONICA: Then why are you laughing?

MRS. GELLER: It's nothing, it's just that now your Father owes me five dollars.

MONICA: What? You bet I'd lose a nail?

MRS. GELLER: Oh no, don't be silly. I just bet I'd need these.

MONICA: Frozen lasagnas?

MRS. GELLER: Um-hmm.

MONICA: You bet that I'd screw up?! So all that stuff about hiring me because I was good was.

MRS. GELLER: No-no-no, that was all true. This was just in case you pulled a Monica.

MONICA: You promised Dr. Weinburg, you'd never use that phrase.

MRS. GELLER: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of humour, you've never been able to laugh at yourself.

MONICA: That's right. My Mom doesn't have any faith in me! Oh, that's hilarious! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

PHOEBE: I don't get it.

MRS. GELLER: No, I have faith.

MONICA: No! You have lasagnas!

Oven: Ding!

PHOEBE: The ruined quiches are ready.

RACHEL: What?!

CHANDLER: Rachel, could I see you for a moment?

CHANDLER: Okay, here's the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.

RACHEL: You promised you would break up with her!

CHANDLER: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!

RACHEL: And the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?!

CHANDLER: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out.

RACHEL: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.

CHANDLER: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can't get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I'm cold, and...

RACHEL: Oh, Chandler!!! All right, this is it! You never see Joanna again!


RACHEL: You never come into this office again!


RACHEL: You give me back my Walkman!

CHANDLER: I never borrowed your Walkman.

RACHEL: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!

CHANDLER: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! Ahhh!

RACHEL: Does it hurt?

CHANDLER: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them.

THE SALESMAN: So, here's somebody interesting, Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?

JOEY: He cut off his ear.


JOEY: I'm out.

THE SALESMAN: He painted that.

JOEY: Wow! That's pretty nice. I thought he cut off his ear 'cause he sucked. What else you got in there?

THE SALESMAN: Let's see, ahhh Where does the Pope live?

JOEY: In the woods. No wait-wait, that's the joke answer.

THE SALESMAN: Actually its, Vatican City. Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?

JOEY: Spock's birth control.

THE SALESMAN: You need these books.

RACHEL: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she's very private about her office. Now I know why.

CHANDLER: Hey, look, you're in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she's gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.

RACHEL: What if I clean your bathroom for a month?

CHANDLER: It still wouldn't be clean. All I want is my freedom.

RACHEL: Foot rubs for a month!

CHANDLER: Freedom!

RACHEL: I'll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!

CHANDLER: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won't you hear me?!

THE SALESMAN: So, what do you say, Joey? You get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!

JOEY: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have $1200? I'm home in the middle of the day, and I got patio furniture in my living room. I guess there's a few things you don't get from book learnin'.

THE SALESMAN: Well ah, what can you swing?

JOEY: How about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?

THE SALESMAN: You don't have, anything?

JOEY: You wanna see what I got? Okay? I've got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey!

THE SALESMAN: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh, thanks, for your time.

JOEY: And a 50. Huh, these must be Chandler's pants.

THE SALESMAN: For 50 bucks, you can get one book! What will it be? A? B? C?

JOEY: Oh, I-I think I'm gonna stick with the V, I wanna see how this bad boy turns out.

RACHEL: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.


RACHEL: I ah Oh! I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!

CHANDLER: With extra pulp?

RACHEL: Yeah!!


RACHEL: D'oh!! I've got it!

CHANDLER: You don't have it.

RACHEL: I have so got it. There's gonna be rumours about this, there's no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.

CHANDLER: How do Monica and Phoebe know?

RACHEL: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous or very stingy.


RACHEL: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.

CHANDLER: And Milton Berle has a

RACHEL: Ohh, not compared to you.


PHOEBE: They're not even touching the lasagna!

MONICA: Really?!

PHOEBE: Oh, they love your casserole.

MONICA: Yes!!!

PHOEBE: It's hard to believe that just a little while ago this was nothing but ingredients.

MRS. GELLER: Well, everyone seems to be enjoying your dish.

MONICA: And you?

MRS. GELLER: I thought it was quite tasty.

MONICA: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success. Which would make you...

MRS. GELLER: A bitch?

MONICA: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.

RACHEL: So did you break up with Joanna?

CHANDLER: I think so.

JOEY: Well, it's good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.

ROSS: The volcano?

JOEY: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation.

RACHEL: What?!

JOEY: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant.

MONICA: Why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden?

JOEY: Well, we can talk about something else. What do you want to talk about? Vivisection? The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War?

MONICA: Oh! Did anybody see that-that documentary on the Korean War?

transcribed by Eric Aasen, Darcy Partridge