The One With The Birth (123)

written by David Crane & Marta Kauffman



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
MONICA: Has her water broke yet?

ROSS: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucous plug.

JOEY: Do we have to know about that?

MONICA: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?

JOEY: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.


ROSS: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.

RACHEL: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction. What, it's ok when Chandler does it?

CHANDLER: You have to pick your moments.


RACHEL: I - do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm uh Rachel Green. I'm Carol's ex-husband's sister's roommate.

FRANZBLAU: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's brother's ex-wife's obstetrician.


PHOEBE: (singing) They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry... Thanks, Ross.

ROSS: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.


CHANDLER: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

MONICA: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

CHANDLER: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

MONICA: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

CHANDLER: No, no, no.

MONICA: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

CHANDLER: Uh, uh.

MONICA: Well?

CHANDLER: Dear god! This parachute is a knapsack!


MONICA: Did you go home and change?

RACHEL: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?

MONICA: No, I haven't seen him.

RACHEL: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. What if the baby needs him?

CHANDLER: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was like your father a doctor?

RACHEL: Yeah, why?

CHANDLER: No reason.


ROSS: Breathe.

SUSAN: Breathe.

ROSS: Breathe.

SUSAN: Breathe.

ROSS: Breathe.

SUSAN: Breathe.

CAROL: You're gonna kill me!


CAROL: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.

ROSS: I got it.

SUSAN: I got it.

ROSS: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.


JOEY: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!

NURSE: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?

JOEY: Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking?


MONICA: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. No, he's gone. No no, you don't have to fly back, really. What do you mean this might be your only chance? Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet.


FRANZBLAU: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?

RACHEL: I'm a waitress.

FRANZBLAU: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, if I see one more cup of coffee...

RACHEL: Yeah, gotcha.


ROSS: Come on, come on. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. This is all your fault. This is supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.

SUSAN: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

ROSS: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok, where does that leave me?

SUSAN: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover Day.

ROSS: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.


PHOEBE: This is so great.

ROSS: You wanna explain that?

PHOEBE: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. I'm sorry, you were fighting.


ROSS: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.

SUSAN: Oh, look at that.

CAROL: What does he look like?

ROSS: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-O.


ROSS: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. But I'll still always come back, like this. And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. But I'll still always come back, like this.




transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips

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