The One With Ross's Thing (323)
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Season 1 Where Monica Gets A New Roomate With The Sonogram At The End With The Thumb With George Stephanoloulos With The East German Laundry Detergent With The Butt With The Blackout Where Nana Dies Twice Where Underdog Gets Away With The Monkey With Mrs.Bing With The Dozen Lasagnes With The Boobies With The Candy Hearts With The Stoned Guy With Two Parts, Part 1 With Two Parts, Part 2 With All The Poker Where The Monkey Gets Away With The Evil Orthodontist With The Fake Monica With The Ick Factor With The Birth Where Rachel Finds Out Season 2 With Ross' New Girlfriend With The Breast Milk Where Heckles Dies With Phoebe's Husband With Five Steaks And An Eggplant With The Baby On The Bus Where Ross Finds Out With The List With Phoebe's Dad With Russ With The Lesbian Wedding After The Superbowl, Part 1 After The Superbowl, Part 2 With The Prom Video Where Ross And Rachel... You Know Where Joey Moves Out Where Eddie Moves In Where Dr.Remore Dies Where Eddie Won't Go Where Old Yeller Dies With The Two Bullies With The Two Parties With The Chickenpox With Barry And Mindy's Wedding Season 3 With The Princess Leia Fantasy Where No-One's Ready With The Jam With The Metaphorical Tunnel With Frank Jnr With The Flashback With The Race Car Bed With The Giant Poking Device With The Football Where Rachel Quits Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister With All The Jealousy Where Monica And Richard Are Friends With Phoebe's Ex-Partner Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break With The Morning After With The Ski Trip With The Hypnosis Tape With The Tiny T-Shirt With The Dollhouse With The Chick and the Duck With The Screamer With Ross's Thing With The Ultimate Fighting Champion At The Beach Season 4 With The Jellyfish With The Cat With The 'Cuffs With The Ballroom Dancing With Joey's New Girlfriend With The Dirty Girl Where Chandler Crosses The Line With Chandler In A Box Where They're Gonna Party! With The Girl From Poughkeepsie With Phoebe's Uterus With The Embryos With Rachel's Crush With Joey's Dirty Day With All The Rugby With The Fake Party With The Free Porn With Rachel's New Dress With All The Haste With All The Wedding Dresses With The Invitation With The Worst Best Man Ever With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II Season 5 After Ross Said Rachel With All The Kissing Hundredth Where Phoebe Hates PBS With All The Kips With The Yeti Where Ross Moves In With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks With Ross's Sandwich With The Inappropriate Sister With All The Resolutions With Chandler's Work Laugh With Joey's Bag Where Everyone Finds Out With The Girl Who Hits Joey With A Cop With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss Where Rachel Smokes Where Ross Can't Flirt With The Ride Along With The Ball With Joey's Big Break In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode) Season 6 After Vegas Where Ross Hugs Rachel With Ross's Denial Where Joey Loses His Insurance With Joey's Porsche With The Last Night Where Phoebe Runs With Ross's Teeth Where Ross Got High With The Routine With The Apothecary Table With The Joke With Rachels Sister Where Chandler Can't Cry That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2) With The Unagi Where Ross Dates A Student With Joey's Fridge With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad Where Paul's The Man With The Ring With The Proposal(Season Finale) With Monica\'s Thunder With Rachel's Book With Phoebe's Cookies With Rachel's Assistant With The Engagement Picture With The Nap Partners With Ross's Library Book Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs With All The Candy With The Holiday Armadilio With All The Cheesecakes Where They're Up All Night Where Rosita Dies Where They All Turn Thirty With Joey's New Brain With The Truth About London With The Cheap Wedding Dress With Joey's Award With Ross and Monica's Cousin With Rachel's Big Kiss With The Vows With Chandler's Dad Season 8 After 'I Do' With The Red Sweater Where Rachel Tells... With The Videotape With Rachel's Date With The Halloween Party |
JOEY: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck. CHANDLER: Or... Dick. PHOEBE: Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. VINCE: Good deal. PHOEBE: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people. RACHEL: Hi! CHANDLER: Hey! VINCE: Hey! PHOEBE: Vince is a fireman. RACHEL: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before? VINCE: 98 hot saves, highest in the force. CHANDLER: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred. RACHEL: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher. PHOEBE: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight. RACHEL: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you. PHOEBE: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler. JOEY: So Pheebs, do they know about each other? PHOEBE: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? Okay, no they don't. MONICA: Pete's breaking up with me. ALL: What?! MONICA: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk. RACHEL: And? MONICA: Well that's it. People never say 'We need to talk' unless it's something bad. JOEY: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you. MONICA: Really?! JOEY: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you. ROSS: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off! DR. RHODES: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. What are you doing? ROSS: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple. DR. RHODES: Well that's not a third nipple. ROSS: No? DR. RHODES: First of all, it's on your ass. MONICA: I gotta go water Pete's plants. Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants. CHANDLER: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean. JOEY: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them. PHOEBE: ... and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy. RACHEL: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them? PHOEBE: Uh. JOEY: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field? PHOEBE: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field. RACHEL: So Pheebs, pick one of them. MONICA: Yeah. Which one do you like more? PHOEBE: Well, Vince is great, y'know 'cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. JOEY: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince. PHOEBE: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive. CHANDLER: Well sensitive is important, pick him. PHOEBE: Yeah. JOEY: Oh sure, go with the sissy. PHOEBE: Jason is not a sissy! JOEY: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler. MONICA: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! Oh, see you just need to find the right command. ROSS: Yes, and the dimmer switch. JOEY: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV. MONICA: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. RACHEL: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, "Look how much money we've got!" Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people will like it. MONICA: Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don't even know if he's gonna propose. CHANDLER: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date kinda thing. PHOEBE: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince. CHANDLER: Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh? PHOEBE: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it's just better than having just like a really, really, really nice butt. Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck! ALL: Good luck! PHOEBE: I'm telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy. ROSS: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory. PHOEBE: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests? RACHEL: You didn't break up with that fireman? PHOEBE: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me. RACHEL: Wow! PHOEBE: Yeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal. MONICA: So then, are you going to dump Jason? PHOEBE: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and, Okay so Jason is sensitive, but now so's Vince. Plus, Vince has the body y'know? So, It's really just about the math. PETE: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about. MONICA: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that. PETE: Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life. MONICA: Yeah? PETE: And I feel like I've conquered the business world, and I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world. MONICA: Wow. PETE: There's one thing missing. MONICA: What's that? PETE: It's time for me to conquer the physical world. MONICA: Okay. PETE: Monica, I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion. MONICA: You wanna what?! PETE: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It's the most intense physical competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states! MONICA: What are you talking about? PETE: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I've even had my own octagon training ring designed. MONICA: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that. PETE: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think? MONICA: My parents will be so happy. PHOEBE: Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt. Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy underwear... Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You'll get through this; you'll be fine. Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show. PHOEBE: Yeah, okay, I've-I've been dating both of you, and it's been really horrible. 'Cause y'know it's been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn't know how to chose, so... I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm terrible, I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible. VINCE: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it's okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive. JASON: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break. PHOEBE: Really?! JASON: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven't been going out that long. Come on, we haven't even slept together yet. Huh. VINCE: You haven't? JASON: You have? PHOEBE: Well, this is none of my business. JASON: I-I can't believe this! You-you've slept with him?! PHOEBE: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park. JASON: Y'know Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real easy for you. PHOEBE: Well, that could've been really awkward. VINCE: You made him a candle light dinner in the park? PHOEBE: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm gonna do that for you. VINCE: Uh yeah, I can't believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. CHANDLER: Everything's gonna be all right. Okay, Dick? GURU SAJ: Hello, I am Guru Saj. Whoa!! That's supposed to be a duck right? 'Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league. JOEY: Yeah, yeah. He's got a, he's got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it. Is there something you can do? GURU SAJ: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?
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transcribed by Eric B Aasen
52007
