The One Where Monica And Richard Are Friends (313)

written by Michael Borkow

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
RICHARD: You've got panties stuck to your leg.

MONICA: That's because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and it's static cling. Or maybe it's just that God knew I'd be running into you and saw an opportunity.

MONICA: You see that guy? He's in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave he's going straight to the porn.

RICHARD: He's gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy.

RICHARD: So, you wanna get a hamburger or something?

MONICA: Oh, um, I don't know if that's a good idea.

RICHARD: Oh. Look, just friends, I won't grope you. I promise.

MONICA: No, I just I think that it's too soon.

RICHARD: No it's not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven.

CHANDLER: Yeah, baby!

ROSS: What are you doing?

CHANDLER: Making chocolate milk. Do you want some?

ROSS: No thanks. I'm 29.

RACHEL: Oh my God, I gotta go to work!

ROSS: Oh sweetie, when do you think you're going to get off tonight?

RACHEL: Oh I don't know honey. It's gonna be really late.

ROSS: Oh come on, not again.

RACHEL: I know. I'm sorry. Look, I'll make a deal with you all right? Okay?

ROSS: Hmm.

RACHEL: For every night that you're asleep before I get home from work...

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: I will wake you up in a way that's proved very popular in the past.

ROSS: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.

RACHEL: Right.

JOEY: Look at you. Since when do you roller blade?

PHOEBE: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal that's he's going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.

ROSS: And what are you going to do for him?

PHOEBE: I'm going to let him.

ROSS: Okay.

JOEY: Cool.

RACHEL: Somebody got in late last night.

MONICA: Yeah well, I ran into Richard.

RACHEL: When did this happen?

MONICA: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger.

PHOEBE: Oh, there's no such thing as an innocent burger.

ROSS: So, are you gonna see him again?

MONICA: Tomorrow night.

RACHEL: Monica, what are you doing?

CHANDLER: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she's celebrating that by going on a date with him.

MONICA: It's not a date, okay. I'm just gonna teach him how to make lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has.

JOEY: Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know you'll probably be hungry after the sex.

MONICA: We're not gonna have sex! Okay, nothing's changed here. He still doesn't want children and I still do, so that's why we're just gonna be friends.

ROSS: Naked friends.


JOEY: Hey.

RACHEL: Do you have any ice?

JOEY: Check the freezer. If there's none in there, then we're probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It's late.

RACHEL: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klein. I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day?

JOEY: I discovered I'm able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.

RACHEL: Hmm. Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer?

JOEY: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so.

RACHEL: But ah, you're safe from it if it's in the freezer?

JOEY: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we've got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.

RACHEL: How often do you read it?

JOEY: Haven't you ever read the same book over and over again?

RACHEL: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that's a classic, what's so great about The Shining?

JOEY: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about The Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it's way better than that classic of yours.

RACHEL: Okay. Ah, well we'll just see about that, okay. I will read The Shining, and you will read Little Women.

JOEY: All right, you got it.

RACHEL: All right.

JOEY: Okay.


JOEY: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women.


JOEY: How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little?

CHANDLER: So ah, isn't a bit cold out for shorts?

ROBERT: Well, I'm from California.

CHANDLER: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames.

CHANDLER: Okay Ross, why don't you come with me?

ROSS: Okay. What ah, what is the matter with you? What's going on?

CHANDLER: Robert's coming out.

ROSS: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay?

CHANDLER: No. He... he's coming out of his shorts.

ROSS: What?!

CHANDLER: The man is showing brain.

ROSS: I'm sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a...

ROBERT: Coffee.

ROSS: Okay.

ROBERT: We could write it down for you?


ROSS: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

CHANDLER: What do we do? What do we do?

ROSS: Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it.

CHANDLER: Like an eclipse.

MONICA: Come on, we're gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we're gonna start squishing the tomatoes.

RICHARD: Ew, this feels very weird.

MONICA: You touch people's eyeballs every day and this feels weird.

RICHARD: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them.

JOEY: These little women. Wow!

CHANDLER: You're liking it, huh?

JOEY: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he could ever forgive her.

ROSS: Umm, Jo's a girl, it's short for Josephine.

JOEY: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. Oh. You mean it's like a girl-girl thing? 'Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.

CHANDLER: No, actually Laurie's a boy.

JOEY: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.

CHANDLER: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!

ROBERT: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But um, to be honest, I don't think I can wear these, they're so tight, I feel like I'm on display. I'm sorry.

JOEY: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The Shining?

RACHEL: Oh, Danny just went into room 217.

JOEY: Oooh, the next part's the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub...

RACHEL: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you're gonna ruin it!

JOEY: All right I'll talk in code. Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?

CHANDLER: Hmmm, that's very cool.

JOEY: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make's blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww!

RACHEL: Joey! I can't believe you just did that!

CHANDLER: I can't believe she cracked your code!

RACHEL: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though she's still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy.

JOEY: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad.

RACHEL: Eh. Beth dies.

JOEY: Beth, Beth dies?

RACHEL: Um-hmm.

JOEY: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?

CHANDLER: No, Beth doesn't die, she doesn't die. Does she Rachel?

RACHEL: What?!

ROSS: Joey's asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson?

RACHEL: No. She doesn't die.

JOEY: Then why would you say that?!

RACHEL: Because, I wanted to hurt you.

ROBERT: So are ready for the gym? They've got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other.

PHOEBE: No, I can spot you from here.


PHOEBE: Okay, listen Robert...

ROSS: Hey, don't we have to...

CHANDLER: Yeah, we got, um-hmm.

PHOEBE: Umm, I think you're really, really great...

ROBERT: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? Is it something I'm putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?

PHOEBE: I-I-I-I-I don't know, I don't know what to say.

GUNTHER: Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house.


JOEY: Beth is really, really sick.

RACHEL: Awwww.

JOEY: Jo's there, but I don't think there's anything she could do.


JOEY: Yeah.

RACHEL: Do you want to put the book in the freezer?

JOEY: Okay.


transcribed by Eric B Aasen