The One Where The Monkey Gets Away (119)

written by Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
RACHEL: OK, OK, I checked, we have Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and er, oh wait, there was one more, erm, Lemon Soother!

CUSTOMER: [blank]

RACHEL: You're not the guy who asked for the tea, are you? ... OK.

ROSS: Marcel, bring me the rice! Come on! Bring me the rice! Come on! Good boy! Good boy! Come on, give me the rice!... Thank you. Good boy! Ah I see he's finally mastered the difference between "bring me the" and "pee in the".

ROSS: Whoa. What, er, what happened to, er, "forget relationships", "I'm done with men", the whole, er, penis embargo?

RACHEL: Oh. I don't know. I guess it's not about "no guys", it's about the "right guy" you know?

ROSS: Mmm.

RACHEL: I mean with Barry, it was, it was safe, and it was easy, but there was no heat.

ROSS: Mmm.

RACHEL: You know with Paulo, that all there was, was heat. I, I mean it was just this raw, animal, sexual...

ROSS: Right, right. I, I got it. I was there.

RACHEL: Ah. I mean, do you think you can ever have both? You know, someone who's, like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl?

ROSS: Yes, yes, yes. Yes! Yes! I do! I really do! Er, in fact, it's funny. Very often, someone who you wouldn't think could, could, curl your toes, might just be the one who, er, who...


ROSS: ...gets interrupted! Hi!

RACHEL: Hey guys, how was the movie?

PHOEBE: Oh, it was so good.

MONICA: Wonderful.

JOEY: Suckfest!

CHANDLER: Total chick-flick!

PHOEBE: I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, you know, like guns and bombs and like buses going really fast.

JOEY: Hey. I don't need violence to enjoy a movie, just so long as there's a little nudity.

MONICA: There was nudity!

JOEY: I meant female nudity! Alright, I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking!

MONICA and PHOEBE: Hugh! Hugh Grant!

JOEY: Tonight, tonight?

ROSS: Well, I think it's perfect, you know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she's spent all day taking care of my monkey...

CHANDLER: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.

ROSS: Anyway, you know, I figured after work, I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and, er, try to woo her.

CHANDLER: Hey. You know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's when that phrase was last used.

JOEY: Alright, alright, alright, you're a monkey, you're loose in the city... Where do you go?

CHANDLER: OK. It's his first time out, so he's probably gonna want to do some of the touristy things... I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian tea-room.

MONICA: OK. We'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I will take third and fourth.

RACHEL: Wha, wha, wh, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

MONICA: OK. You stay here. You just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.

HECKLES: What do you want?

MONICA: Mr. Heckles. Our, our friend's lost a monkey. Have you seen it?

HECKLES: I left a Belgian waffle out here. Did you take it?


PHOEBE: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?

HECKLES: I wasn't ready for it.

MONICA: The monkey? Have you seen a monkey?

HECKLES: Saw Regis Philbin once...

PHOEBE: OK. Thank you Mr. Heckles

HECKLES: You owe me a waffle.

ROSS: I, I, I can't, I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.

RACHEL: I know, I know, I'm sorry...

ROSS: No, no. You know what? I guess it's partially my fault, you know, I shouldn't have asked you to, er, start off with a monkey. I should have started you off with, like, a pen or a pencil.

ROSS: You've called Animal Control?

RACHEL: Uh-huh. Why? Do you not like them?

ROSS: Huh! Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me...

RACHEL: OK. Well, now, see, you never ever ever told us that...

ROSS: That's right, cos I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment!

RACHEL: Hi! Thanks for coming!

ANIMAL CONTROL: Somebody called about a monkey?

RACHEL: Oh. Oh yeah! You know what? That was a complete misunderstanding.

ROSS: Yeah. We, we thought we had a monkey, but we didn't.

RACHEL: It turned out it was a hat!

ROSS: Cat!

MONICA: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel.


ROSS: My uncle Marcel...

PHOEBE: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?

ANIMAL CONTROL: OK. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, er, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?

PHOEBE: Oh my god. You'd put that poor little creature in jail?

MONICA: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this. Erm, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced. I, I'm Monica Geller...

ANIMAL CONTROL: Oh my god, you are! And you're Rachel Green!


ANIMAL CONTROL: Louisa Jeanette. Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in, in homeroom!

RACHEL: Louisa? Oh my god! Monica! It's Louisa!

MONICA: Louisa! From homeroom!


LOUISA: You have no idea who I am, do you?


MONICA: Not at all.

CHANDLER: Oh, no, wait, wait, no, wait, wait. Erm, we may not know anything about radiators, per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling milieu...

JOEY: Er, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here?

CHANDLER: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help... And they're very hot!

JOEY: We can't, alright? Huh, we're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but we promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yay high, and answers to the name Marcel, so, if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out!

CHANDLER: OK. From now on, you don't get to talk to other people.

PHOEBE: Oh my god! Something just brushed up against my right leg!

MONICA: What is it?

PHOEBE: Oh, oh. It's OK! It was just my left leg.

RACHEL: Ross, you know, I've said I'm sorry, like, a million times. What do you want me to do? Huh? What do you want, you want me to break my foot too? Is that it? OK, here, I'm gonna break my foot, right now, there... Ow! Oh god, oh my god! There, are you happy now?

ROSS: Yeah. Yeah. You know, now that you kicked the sign, hey, I don't miss Marcel any more!

PHOEBE: Oh. This is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea!

ROSS: Hi! Did you order some bananas?

HECKLES: What about it?

ROSS: Give me my monkey back!

HECKLES: I don't have a monkey.

RACHEL: Then what's with all the bananas?

HECKLES: Potassium.

transcribed by Stephen Clemson