The One Where Dr.Remore Dies (218)

written by Michael Borkow

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
AMBER: I want you Drake.

DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be together that way.

AMBER: What?

DR. REMORE: There's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother.

RACHEL: So what happens next?

JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.

CHANDLER: God that is good TV.

CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee.

PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.

CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.

ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.

PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.

RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.


RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.

MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.

RACHEL: Phoebe's dead.

PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?

JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, 'If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'

PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?

JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?

MONICA: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.

RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.

ROSS: G'night.

RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.

MONICA: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with.


MONICA: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?

RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.

MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth.

RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.

MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.

ROSS: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic number?

RACHEL: Uhhhooo.

ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.

RACHEL: Well, there's you.

ROSS: Better not be doin' these in order.

RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.

ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.

RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo much better in my head.

CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.

EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.

CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.

EDDIE: Where's Buddy?


EDDIE: My fish, Buddy.

CHANDLER: There was no fish when she dropped it off.

EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligence by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?

MONICA: Ok about that two.

RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?

MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small number.

RICHARD: Right, and...

MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?

RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.

MONICA: But you've only slept with two people.


MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.

RICHARD: Now I do.

RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.

ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.

RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...

ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?

MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.

RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great.

MONICA: I know. I just can't find...

RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.

MONICA: You need one too?

RACHEL: Ooooh yeah.

MONICA: There's only one.

RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one month.


RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.

MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.

RACHEL: Agghhh.

CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.


CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.

PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?

CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.

DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical award, this.

DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess.

INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor emergency, stat.

DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?

DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.

CHANDLER: We came over as soon as we saw.

ROSS: How could you not tell us?

JOEY: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever find out.

RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.

JOEY: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.

CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You know that?

JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.

CHANDLER: I'm sorry man.

RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.

JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.

transcribed by Joshua Hodge