The One With The Ultimate Fighting Champion (324)

written by Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum, Teleplay by: Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
RACHEL: So, come on, what was the big news? Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?

PHOEBE: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don't take his name.

MONICA: He didn't ask me to marry him.

ALL: Ohh.

PHOEBE: Well then definitely don't take his name.


MONICA: He wanted to tell me he's gonna compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy.

THE GUYS: Pete?!

RACHEL: Why?! What is it?

MONICA: I don't know exactly. It's-it's sorta like wrestling.

PHOEBE: Oh?!

MONICA: Yeah, but without the costumes.

PHOEBE: Oh.

JOEY: And it's not fake, it's totally brutal.

CHANDLER: Yeah, it's two guys in a ring, and the rules are: "They're are no rules."

MONICA: So you can like, bite, and pull people's hair and stuff?

ROSS: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.

MONICA: What's fish hooking?

ROSS: Huh, what's fish hooking... Thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. What is that taste?

JOEY: What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath.


CHANDLER: Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.

PHOEBE: Yeesh, what'd you do about it?

CHANDLER: Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.

MONICA: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy.

JOEY: Yeah, maybe it's like y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns.

RACHEL: Y'know I don't, I don't understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just y'know, stick your head in between 'em.


MONICA: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don't want you to get hurt, 'cause I kinda like you.

PETE: Oh, believe me, I don't want to get hurt either. I'm being smart about this. See these guys? They're the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to be a paid assassin. A house painter! He used to be a house painter.

MONICA: Promise me you'll be careful.

PETE: I promise.

MONICA: Hey, are we still on for tonight?

PETE: Yeah.

MONICA: Okay, good, 'cause umm, well maybe we could have a little workout of our own...

HOSHI: No! No boom-boom before big fight!

MONICA: How 'bout just a boom?


CHANDLER: What is with him?

PHIL: With him? You're is favourite, you're his guy!

STEVENS: We never get smacked.

CHANDLER: Well, that's not true, he-he smacked you once.

PHIL: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.


ANNOUNCER: From New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He's known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!!

MONICA: I love you, Pete!!!

ANNOUNCER: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! He's a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!

MONICA: Pete! Pete!!! That guy's pretty huge!

PETE: Don't worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an opponent's strength and weight against him.

ROSS: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.


MONICA: ... now you can just look back at this thing with no regrets.

PETE: What, look back?

MONICA: Well, you're not gonna get going are you?

PETE: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?

MONICA: Well, no. But...

PETE: Well I'm not gonna stop until I'm the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

MONICA: That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!

PETE: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my Dad's garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.

MONICA: You didn't know that already?


ROSS: Hey! How long until Pete's fight?

MONICA: Oh, about five minutes. Right now they're interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.


CHANDLER: Doug!!!

DOUG: Hmm.

CHANDLER: I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself.

DOUG: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!

CHANDLER: No, no. It-it's not about the swearing, it's more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock.

DOUG: Oh?

CHANDLER: Oh, and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It's just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it's making all the other guys jealous.

DOUG: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You're okay.

CHANDLER: Okay.

DOUG: Ha! Ahhhhhhh!

CHANDLER: Ahhhhh!


RACHEL: Ohh! Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he's gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.

PHOEBE: You said it was okay!

RACHEL: You said she was bald!!

PHOEBE: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!

RACHEL: Phoebe, we can't, we just can't just let it happen! Okay, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!!!


MONICA: You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!

PETE: I can't until I'm the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I'm telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, I'm not saying I could beat Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid.

MONICA: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!

PETE: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam's Apple, but that really hurt.


TV ANNOUNCER: Pete Becker is circling the ring now. It looks like, he's just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is just...

CHANDLER: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!

RACHEL: Oh, I can't watch this.

JOEY: Check it out, he's winning! Pete's winning!

MONICA: Really?!

JOEY: No-o-o!!!

TV ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area.

ALL: Oh! Oh!

PHOEBE: Wait, if that's his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?

ROSS: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can't.




transcribed by Eric B Aasen

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