The One With The Princess Leia Fantasy (301)

written by Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
PHOEBE: Oh my God, has she slept at all?

ROSS: Nope.

RACHEL: No, it's been three nights in a row.

ROSS: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.

PHOEBE: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call.


JANICE: I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not without a kiss.

CHANDLER: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.

JOEY: Kiss her! Kiss her!


ROSS: You need to get some sleep.

MONICA: I need to get some Richard.

RACHEL: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.

MONICA: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called!

PHOEBE: Maybe, because you told him not to.

MONICA: What are you, the memory woman?


JOEY: Their not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything.

RACHEL: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute.

JOEY: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?

RACHEL: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?

JOEY: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross?

ROSS: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her.

JOEY: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right?


RACHEL: Honey, I was wondering...

ROSS: Hmm?

RACHEL: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform?

ROSS: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume place.

RACHEL: Hmm.

ROSS: I think I have an old band uniform from high school.

RACHEL: You remember not having sex in high school, right?

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well honey, what about you?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Come on you gotta have one!

ROSS: Nope.

RACHEL: Ross, you know what...

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: ...if you tell me, I might do it.

ROSS: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi?

RACHEL: Yeah.

ROSS: Do you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia.

RACHEL: Oooh!

ROSS: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool.


PHOEBE: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that.

RACHEL: Really!

PHOEBE: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you know.

RACHEL: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!

RACHEL: Really! That-that great huh?

PHOEBE: No it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate.See ya!


CHANDLER: Hey!

JOEY: Wheel!

CHANDLER: Of!

JOEY: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore!!!

CHANDLER: You know, you should really go on this show.


JOEY: Look, what do you want me to say?

CHANDLER: I want you to say that you like her!

JOEY: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.

CHANDLER: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!

JOEY: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?


PHOEBE: Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place.

MONICA: Richard's living room, drinking wine.

PHOEBE: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out!

MONICA: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.

PHOEBE: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything.

MONICA: All right, I'll try not to.

PHOEBE: Okay, all right, so, you're in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky...

MONICA: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?

PHOEBE: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees...

MONICA: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine.

PHOEBE: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook...

MONICA: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee.


JANICE: So, I hear, you hate me!

JOEY: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that.

JANICE: A little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.

JOEY: And you got a 'hate' from that?! You're taking a big leap there...


JANICE: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together.

JOEY: But what does that gonna do...

JANICE: For Chandler!

JOEY: Okay. I'm in.

JANICE: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!'

JOEY: Does it have to be a whole day?

JANICE: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me.

JOEY: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.


ROSS: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?

CHANDLER: Umm, yeah.

ROSS: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth....

CHANDLER: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?

ROSS: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?

CHANDLER: We're not gonna talk about girth are we?

ROSS: Nooo!

CHANDLER: Yeah, okay.

ROSS: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Yeah! All right! You go first.

ROSS: Okay, okay, I'll go first.

CHANDLER: Okay.

ROSS: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing...

CHANDLER: Princess Leia in the gold bikini.

ROSS: Yes!

CHANDLER: I know!


ROSS: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay, you-you go.

CHANDLER: Okay.

ROSS: Okay.

CHANDLER: Okay, you know, you know when you're in bed, with a woman.

ROSS: Hmph.

CHANDLER: And, ah, you know, you're fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....

ROSS: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!

CHANDLER: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And you're like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what you're doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know... You don't know!

ROSS: Your Mom, you're telling me, you're telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you?

CHANDLER: You said...

ROSS: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there!


JANICE: We're baack!

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: What are you guys doing together?

JANICE: Joey and Janice's 'DAY OF FUN'!!!

CHANDLER: Really.

JOEY: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy.

JANICE: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler.

CHANDLER: You still can't stand her can you?

JOEY: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did.

CHANDLER: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot.

JOEY: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.

CHANDLER: Well, I guess that's something.

JOEY: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.

CHANDLER: Okay.

JOEY: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.

CHANDLER: Oh God!

JOEY: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too.

CHANDLER: Really?

JOEY: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex.


MONICA: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?

MR. GELLER: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I would come into the city for a little Monicuddle. Since when did you start smoking cigars?

MONICA: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad?

MR. GELLER: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

MONICA: What makes you think that I might not be okay?

MR. GELLER: I saw Richard.

MONICA: Oh.

MR. GELLER: So, how are you doing?

MONICA: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's Richard doing?

MR. GELLER: You don't wanna know.

MONICA: No, I really, really do.

MR. GELLER: Well, he's doing terrible!

MONICA: Really!

MR. GELLER: Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.

MONICA: You're not just saying that are you?

MR. GELLER: No, the man is a mess.

MONICA: Was he crying?

MR. GELLER: No.

MONICA: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry?

MR. GELLER: Maybe.

MONICA: I think so.

MR. GELLER: Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However...


RACHEL: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What?

ROSS: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's...

MRS. GELLER: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, you're like, freaking me out here.

ROSS: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life.




transcribed by Eric B Aasen

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