The One Where Joey Moves Out (216)

written by Betsy Bornes

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.

JOEY: Yeah, so.

CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. You used my toothbrush?

JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.

CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.

JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.

JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?

RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I want to surprise him.

JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.

CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?

MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there.

JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?

MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.

PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them.

MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.

ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'

FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?

MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.

FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city.

MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.

MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.

MONICA: Are we still on that?

MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.

FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up.

MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us.

FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20?

RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.

MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.

ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that.

MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?

RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?

MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little speedster.

RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.

MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou...

ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

RICHARD: How ya doin'?

MONICA: I'm a twinkie.

RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero.

MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.

RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.

MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.

RICHARD: My parents are dead.

MRS. GELLER: Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?

MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.

MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.

MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.

MRS. GELLER: Really.

MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.

MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?

MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.

JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.

CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.

CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well that's how I feel.

CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well then maybe I will.

CHANDLER: Fine with me.

JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.

MONICA: You remember that video I found of mom and dad?

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.

ROSS: Eww.

MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man?

MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor.

MRS. GELLER: A real doctor?

MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know you'd like him.

MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful... I

MONICA: Mom, it's OK.

RICHARD: It is Judy.

MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!

MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.

MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.

MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie?

RICHARD: She's not a twinkie.

MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in...

MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship.

MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.

RICHARD: Really?

MONICA: Yes.

MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?

MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier.

MR. GELLER: When did I say that?

MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.

JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't want to leave you high and dry.

CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.

JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?

CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.

JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.

CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.

JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.

CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?

MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?

RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.

PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.

PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this?

RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?

PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo.

RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.

PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.

RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?'

ROSS: You got a tattoo?

RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.

JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time... except when we are here.

PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.

MONICA: I know, how can you not be across the hall anymore.

RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What the hell you doin' with my bra?

JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs across the street.