The One With The Candy Hearts (114)

written by Bill Lawrence



Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out


Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding


Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach


Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II


Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Hundredth
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)


Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad


Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JOEY: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.

ROSS: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.

CHANDLER: Any contact?

ROSS: She lent me an egg once.


LORRAINE: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.

CHANDLER: And what did you bring?


RACHEL: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.

MONICA: Which one was Pete Carney?

RACHEL: He was the weeper. Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. "Was it good for you?"

MONICA: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months--I didn't get to win once.

RACHEL: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!

MONICA: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.

PHOEBE: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.


LORRAINE: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.

JOEY: Good for you. Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?


JANICE: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.

CHANDLER: That's ok.

JANICE: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.


JOEY: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there? Uh, we might be leaving now.

CHANDLER: Tell me it's "you and me" we.

JOEY: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.

CHANDLER: Ok, you can not do this to me.

JOEY: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.

LORRAINE: Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?

JOEY: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.

CHANDLER: I hope she throws up on you.


JANICE: So, do we have the best friends or what?

CHANDLER: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?


ROSS: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.


KRISTIN: Who are they?

ROSS: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her close, personal friend.

KRISTIN: You mean they're lovers.

ROSS: If you wanna put a label on it.

KRISTIN: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?

ROSS: Nope, nope, that's it. Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. Helloo!


PHOEBE: Ok, so now we need um sage branches and the sacramental wine.

MONICA: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.

PHOEBE: Um, that's ok! Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.

RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.


CHANDLER: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?

JOEY: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.

CHANDLER: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.


FIREMAN 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?

RACHEL: So, um, will you bring the truck?

FIREMAN 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.

RACHEL: Oh, my god.

PHOEBE: See, there you go, the cleansing works!

MONICA: They're nice guys.

RACHEL: Oh, they're firemen guys.

FIREMAN 1: You guys tell them you were married?

FIREMAN 2: No way!

FIREMAN 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them!




transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips

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